My Husband's Ex Birthed a Mini-Me and Not a Mini-Her | Jerry Springer Chronicles #3

...Continuing the Jerry Springer Chronicles, today's entry examines how my husband's ex-girlfriend, my best friend, magically mystically miraculously birthed MY daughter.

Wanna know how? 

Great! Me too!

I'd love to figure out how a witty and introverted well-manicured blond had MY mini-me ... a loud & goofy extrovert with a dark sense of humor, an impeccably kooky fashion sense, and a devil-may-care approach to her appearance.

Personally, I think everyone should sport mismatched socks with crazy leggings and unicorn/cat sweaters. It builds character!

You might think Sammy has somehow turned into me by osmosis - nature vs. nurture and all that. 

I assure you, she has been her own person all her life without any help from me. If anything, I gain comfort knowing that someone like me can grow from other home life situations. 

You see, I've always had a quirky sense of ... well, everything. I thought it might be a product of my youth. I ran away from home young so there were a lot of societal standards I wasn't taught or forced to adhere to. No one told me that picking your teeth at the dinner table was rude, and my burps are famous around these parts. I was never shown how to be a "proper lady" and if I was it probably didn't stick because it wasn't necessary for my survival. I certainly never received any guidance on fashion or body shapes until much later in my life. 

Sammy, however, has had what I consider a "normal" upbringing; raised in a home with two very collegiate parents firmly stationed as middle class (if not higher), and a brother to pick on her when appropriate. It's comforting to me that "quirk" doesn't serve as proof or indication of a troubled past.

Let's examine further.

What do YOU see in this photo?

If you said sleeping Barbies, you'd be wrong. 

No, these are not sleeping Barbies. Amy sent this picture many years ago. THIS was some of the first evidence that Sammy was more like me than like her. 

Amy fawned over Sammy as she laid these Barbies out and covered them, "Awww, are your Barbies sleeping?"

Sammy simply responded, "No, they're dead."

As my audience, you've probably responded to this one of two ways:

1. You're disturbed and wondering if serial killers start out this way.
2. You're amused and delighted at the macabre naivety of youth.

Just wait. It gets worse ... or better, depending on your response.

When the kids were over, young Sammy would rather watch The Hunt with Sean Two, a show about hunting bears, rather than play with the other kids.

Halloween is my favorite time of year for many reasons, but one of those reasons is Sammy's chosen costume. Not one to settle for Elsa, Ariel, or other female icons for her age, Sammy's costumes are truly outside of the box. She may have a doll costume, but she's a doll from a horror video game. She has dressed as a bat and half-angel/half devil. My favorite year was when she decided to dress as the sweetest looking angel. We all were shocked she would pick something so benign until she clarified, "it's because I'm a dead person and my wand sends people to hell."

The reverse can also be true. I've had moments when I've done something particularly strange and delightful and immediately think of Sammy, wondering if it would be something she'd do or think in my situation.

For example, our old upstairs bedroom window faced an alley. On the other side of that alley was a grocery store parking lot. One random night, and for no reason at all, the thought occurred to me ... were I a sniper, I could easily shoot my mark from our bedroom window, through the alley, if I could lure them to that grocery store.

I'm not a sniper, nor would I ever be a contract killer - and yet, my brain goes there.

When I go on vacation, I hunt for two things ... strange foods and graveyards. Because graveyards are cool.

Other similarities that I'm not responsible for:

• I love pickle-flavored anything - Sammy has eaten pickles since she was a baby
• I love combining horror with my Christmas decorations - Sammy adds sharp monster teeth to her reindeer hats
• I've fixed my vacuum cleaner with a butter knife - Sammy ate her cereal with a backscratcher.
• I owned a bearded dragon and tarantula as a pet - Sammy doesn't just handle bugs, she names them 
• I drive my Mini in full weasel costume just to get gas, Sammy rides 4-wheelers in a princess dress brandishing a toy snake
• I've had to do some questionable things being a runaway - Sammy had drip-system tubing taken away from her because she was trying to syphon gas from her Little Tykes Car.

Perhaps you're thinking that Amy, her mother, has had some influence here. Sammy must be quirky because her mother is also. 

Obviously, this is true, however Amy's quirk is subtle and usually requires some "insider knowledge" or "inside access" to even get a glimpse of it. 

These were supposed to be school pictures.

This was a group dinner with out-of-state friends.

It looks fine until you realize, everyone else was smiling but me.

Are you seeing the similarities now?

I have two sons and no chance of ever having a daughter of my own. Knowing this, it feels as if Amy, my husband's ex-girlfriend, has gifted me with a daughter that, we always joke, is mine.

I love it.

I love Amy.

I love Sammy. 

I love this strange relationship we all have with each other.

(if you don't know the history, search for Jerry Springer Chronicles #1 & #2.) 

Can you imagine if we took this further?

Can you imagine if one of my boys were to marry Sammy and we just kept this Jerry Springer-ness going?

I can.

And you'll hear all about in the next Jerry Springer Chronicle.

Next time, Nerds!