Tequila & Kung Pow: How My Best Friend's Ex-Boyfriend Became My Husband | Jerry Springer Chronicles #1

 It's Saturday, the unspoken day I decided would be a blogging day.

(Don't hold me to this, folks. I could decide on a whim to blog seven days a week or once per month. Heck, I might vary it for ya just to keep you on your toes!)

While I have a vague internal outline of the many posts and stories I want to share on this platform, the daunting task of deciding which will be my first is ... well ... daunting. 

In my first post, I mentioned some personal details - partly for the "shock" factor, but mostly because I WANT my audience to get to know me. All of me. Even the embarrassing parts of me. I don't share those details on other platforms because "algorithms". 

If you're reading this, you're probably eager to hear those stories. Of the three I teased, the one that would give you the best idea of who I am starts with my husband's ex-girlfriend, Amy. This is a LONG story that will come in three parts. Today, you're getting Part 1. 

1. Sean & Amy
2. Amy & I
3. Sean & Amy & Our Kids

Way back in the before-times, Sean dated Amy and I was just a young mom with a toddler that hung out with them. Someday, I'll go to the way-way back and tell you about being a teen mom.

Amy was one of only a few girl friends that I truly enjoyed. An actual female, folks! Those were rare for me. 

Let me be clear, I had many other friends that were also girls. I enjoyed being in their company too, the way one enjoys a warm bath. You need it. You may even want it. Your muscles relax and the heat soaks into your bones. You're energized and in a euphoric state, until the bubbles are gone and the environment is tepid. 

Perhaps it was my background, coupled with the fact I had a toddler in tow, but I didn't relate to many girls my age. Or maybe they didn't relate to me. Whichever the case, Amy wasn't a bath. Amy was a hot tub. 

Amy loved me as I was. I didn't have to be "like other girls" when we hung out. On the other hand, Sean was my buddy, my brother, and the guy I could exchange burps and farts with. And me? I guess you could say I was a third-wheel, though I never felt like it. Why does "third-wheel" have a negative connotation? Tricycles are more stable than bicycles. Anyway, we were a trio that just sunk into each other like comfy, worn-in couches, delighted to settle into each other's lumpy spots.

One day, Sean said something to me that forever changed my life. 

"Amy said something weird to me today. She told me that if we ever break up, you and I should date."

I remember being shocked by his statement. So shocked, I convinced myself I didn't hear it right and laughed, but he repeated himself. 

"What? You probably didn't hear that right." I laughed again. 

"I'm telling you, she said it! She said that if we ever break up, you and I should date!"

At this point, many things ran through my head. Are they okay? They'd been dating for a long while. In my eyes, Sean and Amy were the IT couple. They were gonna get married. I was gonna be the Joey to their Chandler and Monica, and live in their basement and eat their Cheetos. Obviously, something must be wrong for Amy to say such a thing. 

Strangely, we didn't discuss it further. I just chalked it up to some misunderstanding that would clear up in time and went back to playing The Sims, or Rollercoaster Tycoon, or whatever dos-based game I had at the time.

The very next day, I went to the Coffee Cavern for - you guessed it - coffee. Back in the before time, kids, there was no Starbucks. At least not in our little shanty of a town. If you wanted coffee that wasn't brewed in your home, you had to drive to the closest non-franchised coffee bar, which was the Coffee Cavern, and you had to go in and wait for your coffee because they didn't have drive-thrus or options to order ahead. I digress ... [takes a sip of Ensure] ... get off my lawn.

The Coffee Cavern was one of two spots that all our friends could be at during any point in the day. Or night, for that matter. If you were lonely, you just went to the cavern and at least five people you knew would be there. Didn't matter what day or time. So, it shouldn't have surprised me that Amy was there.

As I waited for my coffee, we caught up. It hadn't even crossed my mind to bring up Sean's statement from before. That's how ridiculous I thought it was. I had completely dismissed the notion and moved on. Until....Amy said those words.

"I told Sean yesterday, if we ever break up you two should date."

Well, shit!.....I can't pretend I didn't hear that.

"Are you two okay? Why would you say that? I don't get it..."

She went on to explain they were fine, it was just a feeling. She compared our personalities. In our trio, Sean and I were most definitely on the ridiculous and absurd spectrum. I can see how she thought we might be a better fit for each other. Still. The idea was uncomfortable to me. They're Monica and Chandler! If they don't stay together, Joey doesn't have a home...

They stayed together for a long while after that. By the time they did break up, I was renting a room from a couple married friends of mine. This house was like MTV's Real World; a married couple with a young boy, another dating couple renting a room, and me with my son sleeping on the floor of my room. If you invited even one person over, it was party. 

I had gone through a bad breakup and this was a temporary situation to get me back on my feet. With the IT couple separated, my ol' buddy and pal Sean spent more time hanging out. Misery loves company, right? So, it was a party every night. I'm shocked my liver is intact.

Sean quickly became "the guy on the couch". When you live that closely with that many roommates, privacy is hard to come by. And people have opinions. And those people have a hard time keeping their opinions to themselves. It didn't take long for everyone in the house to ask why Sean and I weren't dating. 

"Ew! He's like my brother!"

That shut them up. For a little while. But people will be people and eventually opinions turned to meddling. 

One night, Sean told me he met a girl at Starbucks (Stay with me here. At this point, we're still in the way-back-when with only one Starbucks to caffeinate the three main towns in our area). He thought maybe he was ready to date again and wanted to know what I thought. THIS was his way of figuring out where my head was at. And I'll tell you... My head?? My head had NO idea. No clue that he already liked me. No clue that I liked him. Someday, I'll tell you JUST how far THIS rabbit hole went. For now, let's continue.

"You met a girl? That's awesome! It's time! You should totally go for it!"

See that? That's me being the bestest supportive friend, right? What an idiot.

It wasn't until he left the house that I had this pit in my stomach, like this strange spidey-sense that something was off. It struck me, I didn't like the idea and couldn't figure out why. 

Dammit, DO I like him? Nah, he's just my buddy and I'm afraid this slut is gonna ruin the dynamic. Yeah, that's it! What are the chances she'll be another Amy? Zero. You know who'd be great for him? ME.

What?! Where'd that come from? Once I'd thought it, I could. not. shake. it. 

Shit! No! I LIKE like him?!? Crap! And I told him to go be with that bitch?! 

It was too late now. The right thing to do was wait this out. Yet ... the roommates could tell that a switch had been flipped on in me. They smelled it on me. They knew I liked him now. And they began plotting. Plotting for ways that I could pull him away from the Siren of Starbucks. 

It was so hard to be a good friend and just let him date when my friends bombarded me with comments like "but you'd be so perfect for each other" and "you guys are made for each other".... I didn't even know if he liked me.

They came up with brilliant plans like "when you both go to a bar, get really drunk and he'll have to take you home". I didn't see the benefit of this plan. We'd been doing that for years already.

One day, he offered to babysit so I could have a girl's day and go out shopping. (Yes, even when he did things like this I had no clue he was into me.) He brought the girlfriend with him so i could meet her. I'm sure she was nice, but honestly, all I can remember about the encounter is that I barely noticed her. My eyes were on Sean.

While shopping, I had found a crop top with a big "S" on it and I couldn't help myself. When I got back home, put the shirt on and ran to Sean, waving my purchase (and my chest) in front of his face with glee. She shifted uncomfortably. I couldn't tell what she was thinking, watching this performance. You know what I was thinking?

That's right, bitch. I'm pissin' all over this. He's mine. That's his "S" on my shirt. 

Another day, Sean came over to watch movies. The roommates' plans were all duds, but I came up with a gem of an idea. I decided to clean house while he was over. I had these killer black booty shorts and wouldn't you know it? I dropping something on the floor. Oops, let me just bend over like so and pick it up. I turned my head enough to see if he was even glancing my direction but I guess my booty was old news because the tv had his full attention. (I would find out much later the challenge he was faced with trying not to ogle his friend's booty and pretend the tv was fascinating.)

Finally, the stars aligned over a bottle of Jose Cuervo and a horrible martial arts film. Sean was the only person that appreciated B-rated movies with me. I invited him over, we started Kung Pao, and I sat on the couch trying to figure out how to tell him. That hadn't been my plan, but sitting next to him was affecting my sense in a way they never had before and I was just going to burst if I didn't say something. I got close, but opted instead to hop off the couch and offer a round of tequila. We'd go out for a cigarette after and then continue the movie. Back on the couch, I fretted again. 

"More tequila?"

Yeah, this is a good plan. Let's just keep doing this. Movie, tequila, smoke. Eventually, he'll leave and I can push this off to another day. 

Tequila had other plans.

At some point, after many rounds of Jose, while smoking, I word-vomited.

"You know what?" I said. "You suck!"

Appalled, he handed back the bottle of tequila. "I suck? I think YOU suck!"

This is award-winning conversation, am I right?

"No, no no. I can't suck. But you? You suck."

He countered, "I think I suck for the same reason you suck."

"No, I can't suck because I don't have a girlfriend."

When you vomit, there's no taking it back. It's just out, and you do your best to clean it up. Obviously, this would lead to a line of questioning that would reveal everything. And it did. It was all out there for him to see so I did my best to explain how we got here and why I tried not to say anything at all. 

It was a relief when admitted his feelings for me too, but then came the guilt. The guilt, magnified by tequila turned into full-blown ugly crying. Through tears and snot, I mumbled.

"She's probably a nice girl. [hiccup]

And now you're gonna break up with her. [blow snot into a tissue] 

And she's probably going to be sad. [take another shot] 

She doesn't deserve this. [take a drag off the cigarette] 

I'm a horrible friend. [hiccup] 

What if this ruins our friendship?" [wipe snot with sleeve]

Sean did all he could to comfort me, but I was riding the tequila-wave for the rest of the night.

The next day, he broke up with that sweet sweet girl and we sorta kinda started dating? We never made it official and I wanted to keep everything on the down-low until I could talk with Amy. She had said it. If they ever broke up, Sean and I should date. But did she really mean it? I had no way of knowing. Sean and I hung out more when they broke up but I had never stopped being Amy's friend. If I was going to do ONE thing right with this whole mess, I had to speak with her.

I called her and told her how everything had played out, just as I've told you. I ended with assurances that I never ever had these thoughts about him while they dated. It was never my plan to ever date him and if she didn't want me to, we'd figure it out. 

You will never know, reader, the amount of relief I felt when she just laughed at me. 

"I knew. I just knew. I'll always have a special place in my heart for him but you two are a better fit."

I'm actually paraphrasing here because, truly, I have no recollection of the exact words she used. My heart was beating in my temples and all I was picking up was the tone of her voice. I had her blessing. 

More than that, we begun hanging out again, but not as a trio. We became a quad. Amy, strangely enough, had starting dating another fellow named Sean. We became "Amy and Amber and the two Seans." And if you're asking does she just really like the name Sean - you'd be right. She also has a brother named Sean. Names aside though, her Sean is a standup guy and the four of us quickly became best friends again.

Fast forward - Amy was in our wedding, and Sean and I were in Amy and Sean's wedding. And if THAT isn't confusing, wait until I tell you about how we planned our pregnancies together. 

Until next time, nerds!