The Twins my Husband's Ex-Girlfriend & I Had Together | Jerry Springer Chronicles #2
Have you ever planned with your best friend to get pregnant at the same time so you could experience the bloated hormonal ups and downs together?
Have you ever decided to secretly break that pact because you like naked-boning your husband and protected sex after two years of marriage is not arousing?
And then, did you still end up pregnant with your best friend because she also secretly broke the pact?
Even when we lie to each other, we’re still on the same page. THAT’S true friendship, right? Let’s analyze.
If you haven’t read my first post about “How my best friend’s ex became my husband” I encourage you to because this particular relationship is winding and strange and delightfully complex.
The over-simplified summary is this:
Sean dated Amy
Sean told me she said that we should be together if they ever broke up
Amy repeated those sentiments the next day
They continued to date until one day they didn’t
Everyone thought we should date except for us
He liked me but I had no concept of liking him
Until he started dating again
High-school shenanigans ensued until booze and cigarettes compelled the truth out of us
We got Amy’s blessing
She was in our wedding
We were in her wedding (to another Sean)
The two Seans, Amy and I are living happily ever after
Now that you’re caught up, let’s go back to the pregnancies.
Sean and I had been married almost two years, and Amy’s impending marriage to her Sean was coming up….
Wait…pause…sidebar.
You see, Amy also has a brother named Sean.
I know, it’s wild, right? She has a brother named Sean. She dated a Sean, who I married. And she’s also married to a Sean. Amy and I always know which Sean we’re referring to when we talk. You fine folks aren’t privy to our Sean-shorthand and will probably get lost as I continue these stories.
For the sake of storytelling, Amy’s brother is Sean. Her ex-boyfriend, my husband, is Sean Two. And her husband is Sean Also. (He refused to become Sean Three)
Back to the story.
Sean Two and I had been married almost two years, and Amy’s impending marriage to Sean Also was drawing near. I announced that we were thinking of adding to the family and Amy got excited at the prospect of us all being pregnant together. We decided together that their wedding day was GO TIME!
If it sounds weird to you that I was planning a “let’s ambush our husbands with sex” day with my husband’s ex-girlfriend, that’s because it IS weird. But who says weird is bad? Not us!
The month leading up to Baby-Making-Day Amy and Sean Also’s wedding day, I got a little antsy. I’d been married already for two years. If we started a month early, who’d notice? What were the chances it would take on the first try?
So …we did the horizontal mambo.
Many times.
Unprotected.
Because …well …
Because I’m a grown up dammit and condoms suck when you haven’t had to use them in a long while.
If I’d known my uterus would be so hospitable to his scavenger-level sperm, I might have thought differently.
Wedding Day arrived. The ceremony was beautiful. The reception was appropriately celebratory. We wished our friends farewell on their 12-day honeymoon and we returned to our lives, finally free from any guilt of breaking the pact.
My husband had a week of work in another state coming up and I was anxious to find out if I was pregnant before he had to leave. I took a pregnancy test each day for a few days and the result line kept getting darker. My suspicion turned to joy and I shared the news with my hubs, Sean Two.
Once he left for his work trip and I was alone, my joy quickly turned to dread.
I stood, dumbstruck, at the toilet with pee sticks in hand.
Did it really take? Already?!? Amy will be so mad! Maybe I should pee on more sticks...
I fretted over what I would say to Amy when she got back from her honeymoon. I figured I had days until my confession... until my phone rang.
I did not take a transcript of the conversation verbatim, but it went something like this:
(Me) Hello? (Try to sound normal)
(Amy) Hiiiii..... (That didn't sound normal)
(Me) ... Um .... How are you doing? Is everything ok? (Why is she calling me on her honeymoon?)
(Amy) ... Oh ... Things are good ... (Does she know?)
(Amy) ... So ... How are you?... (OMG - she knows! How does she know?! Shit, I gotta confess...)
(Me) ... Well ... Um ... I'm pregnant. (and bracing for anger)
(Amy) ... Oh Thank God!! I'm pregnant too!
I can't explain to you the relief I felt in that moment. She must have been just as worried I'd be mad at her... worried enough that she had to call me on her honeymoon.
Our due dates ended up being two days apart. In hindsight, I wouldn't suggest planning a pregnancy with your best friend to this degree. Neither of us was in any shape to help the other with their emotional swings, swollen ankles, or cravings. It dawned on me that we could go into labor at the same time and miss being by each other's bedsides. In later years, I had other revelations like:
- What if one of us lost our baby?
- What if one of our babies had a terrible disease or complication?
- What if, what if, what it ...
We call them "the twins" and they've been raised so closely together that they didn't realize they weren't related by blood until they were older.
I'm realizing now, as I close this out, that I over-promised and under-delivered. In my last entry, I promised that I would relay the details on how my husband's ex-girlfriend had my daughter. I had fully planned for this entry to include that story... but it doesn't quite fit in. For this all to make sense, I need to tell it in order. And, it deserves its own entry. You won't be sorry.
Until next time, nerds!
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